RANTS & RAVINGS ABOUT HORROR - "Disney For the Mass Hysteria"

For this return to "Rants & Ravings About Horror" I decided to tackle instead my misgivings about the Disney Corporation but be on the look out for new and exciting "rants" coming throughout the rest of 2020 and beyond!

Most people know I’m generally not a fan of the Disney Corporation.  I’m not going to lie.  I didn’t grow up on Disney animation and I generally have no fondness for most their films post Beauty & The Beast (1991) which I still think is their last great masterpiece.  I’m an animation lover and studied animation from all over the world in college and therefore I’ve eventually watched most of what Disney has produced but their films just aren’t really all that good either for children nor “family” audiences.   They generally appeal to all audiences while at the same time never appealing to any one audience.  This is not the main reason why I just don’t care for Disney product.  This is just one of the many reasons and it came up recently (again)in conversation that I just “hate” on Disney which isn’t entirely true but I thought it would be a great time (again) to give a voice to my opinion.

First off, the Disney Corporation is an amazing corporation that engulfs hundreds of different and diverse companies that keep artist and creatives with steady jobs, fair wages, and places of advancement.  While in college (and when I was studying animation) I even wanted to apply to the Disney Animation internship program in California that fosters the future of animation and where most of the interns end up with a job at the studio.  I didn’t turn my application in but I still have it (stuffed in some box somewhere).  If you’re a hard worker and dedicated I’ve heard that it is a place that keeps people employed but like all corporations it really cares about the bottom line which is maximizing profits.

There is nothing wrong with maximizing profits.  It’s the way of all big businesses and the rule of capitalism so you can’t fault anyone for that.  But what you can fault them is the way they flaunt this to the world and how they want to protect their “family” image at the cost of everything else.  They hide their dirty secrets under red tape or subsidiaries or they bury them altogether and never acknowledge their existence.  It is no secret that the Miramax owned company refused to release David Cronenberg’s film Crash (1996) because the director refused to make the necessary cuts to get to an R-Rating.  Instead the company dumps the film in limited release (meaning specialty theaters) as if it never existed with a rating of NC-17 (the dreaded rating).  Also, for the longest time the Disney Company refused to release their WWII propaganda animated films to the public as it would hurt their “family friendly” image.  These films were a testament to the time in which they were made and every major studio was producing these types of films to boost morale at home and abroad.  Just look at the “Why We Fight” film series that had such a luminary visionary like Frank Capra (director of Mr. Deeds Goes to Town, Mr. Smith Goes to Washington, It’s a Wonderful Life) at the forefront.  You also will never see Disney give an official release for Song of the South (1946), the less said about the history of this debacle the better.  This is a small sampling of the films Disney has buried.

This brings me to Studio Ghibli which for a time the company distributed in the US (and some other territories).  Studio Ghibli is one of the premiere animation studios in the world producing some of the best films that don’t rely on anthropomorphized characters, musical numbers, and CGI animation and technology.  They create brilliant works of animation that rely on original stories with captivating characters in unique worlds of wonder and imagination.  Everything that the Disney studio lacks.  Studio Ghibli being a major competitor, Disney bought up the distribution rights and released their films in limited capacity even after dubbing them all in English and never giving them the due respect they earned.  I was lucky enough to have seen most all of the Disney released Studio Ghibli films in art-house theaters.  These are films that have garnered awards throughout the entire world yet here in the US were treated as the bothersome stepson.  I was glad when the rights were sold to GKIDS in 2011 (when Disney was pretty much done with them) and they’ve given all the films in the library substantial re-releases that continue to this day.

Now I could also go into the huge Pixar/Disney debacle which is more closer to home for most Americans but for the longest time Pixar films were only distributed by Disney until the two corporations came to a mutually beneficial agreement whereby Pixar is a subsidiary of Disney and that Pixar is now obligated to produce two sequels in their catalog of films for every one original film.  This has cheapened the brand whereby Pixar used to produce one film every few years and each film was simply amazing but now for every Brave (2012) you get a Monsters University (2013) and Cars 2 (2011) or for every Coco (2017) there is a Incredibles 2 (2018) and Toy Story 4 (2019).  Now some of these sequels are good but to be honest, did we really need a Toy Story 4 after the amazing way Toy Story 3 (2010) ended and the less said about Cars 3 (2017) the better.  Pixar has produced some genuine masterpieces in Toy Story (1995), WALL-E (2008), Up (2009) and Finding Nemo (2003) but pretty much everything else is meh.

Disney’s biggest live action competitor was probably 20^th Century Fox’s Star Wars franchise which they never released a film against at the Box Office (except for maybe an animated film as counter programming which works in a business sense).  When George Lucas sold Disney all of Lucasarts (and its subsidiaries) it was like Christmas forever for the company!  One of their chief competitors at the Box Office was gone and now in their own hands.  And the first thing that came to Disney’s mind is to franchise.  Let’s make a new sequel trilogy, spin-off movies, television series, new toys, and of course a Baby Yoda!  Now, there have been questions from fans about just how good the last five films released by Disney actually are.  I loved The Force Awakens (2015) and enjoyed the hell out of Solo (2018) but there wasn’t anything original, captivating, or awe inspiring in any of them as they borrowed so heavily from other films in the franchise.  They had better actors, better CGI, and better action but they all were kind of “hollow” which is what happens when you try to appeal to everyone while appealing to no one.  There is a sense that these films need only to merely engage and entertain while presenting nothing new other than introducing lens flare to the universe.  Now the one thing I did love about the franchise is how inclusive the films have been to all races, genders, etc. and as an African American I can appreciate that as the original trilogy pretty much only had Billy Dee Williams.  Unfortunately, I haven’t bothered with The Mandalorian as when I heard mention of a Baby Yoda the only thought I had was of Ewoks and Gungans and I said, “No thank you.”

The same can be said in regards to the MCU.  If these films had come out in the ‘90s I probably would have taken to them more but I’ve not read a Marvel or DC comic in almost thirty years and therefore I have an image in my brain of what I remember what these characters were and not how much they’ve been re-invented in the last three decades.  Don’t get me wrong, I loved The Avengers (2012), Captain America: Winter Soldier (2014) & Captain America: Civil War (2016), Captain Marvel (2019), and both Guardians of the Galaxy films (which are the best in the entire franchise) but pretty much everything else is meh.  I hate the Iron Man and Thor films (although the 3^rd Thor film is very fun), Doctor Strange was visually stunning but hollow, Black Panther had one of the greatest ensemble casts of all the films but it’s over reliance on CGI killed it for me (although it has one of the best openings of any of the MCU films), Homecoming was inspired but man did I hate Far From Home and let’s be honest – did we really need yet another reboot of Spider-Man this soon?  Ant Man was completely forgettable except for Michael Pena who makes the film work although Ant Man & Wasp was a great recovery film.  I know there was a Hulk film somewhere but I remember nothing about it.  The greatest thing about the MCU franchise is the Agent Carter show which I loved and all the Netflix shows in The Defenders universe (which Kevin Feige wants to claim are no longer in the same universe any more).  The MCU is now like a one-stop shopping for candy-colored, delicious confections whose taste lasts for but a few moments before leaving  you hollow afterwards.  Infinity War and Endgame were not that bad but that’s because of Josh Brolin.  The one thing I have to give it to Disney in regards to the MCU is the inclusivity of the entire franchise but I also blame them (and Feige) for cancelling all the Hulu, Freeform, and Netflix shows as they weren’t created by Feige so therefore don’t belong in his MCU.

Now that I’ve touched on Disney’s handling of Pixar, propaganda films, MCU, Star Wars, and Studio Ghibli, I could go into more but I think you’re seeing the picture.  This hasn’t even touched the 20^th Century Studios acquisitions which has both good and bad vibes.  For MCU fans they love the fact that The X-Men and Fantastic Four and other Fox properties can now be incorporated into the MCU.  But what does that mean for the hugely successful Deadpool franchise which was Rated-R and other properties like the Alien and Predator franchises which don’t fit into the Family Friendly Disney image; I guess there is always Hulu.  For comic fans, what will happen to Boom! Studios (which Disney has a minority stake in) and will that be incorporated into Marvel comics and/or will Feige try to incorporate those characters into MCU as well or simply ignore them altogether? Will 20^th Century Animation and Blue Sky Studios be integrated into Walt Disney Animation Studios or shuttered altogether?  How will FX Networks be integrated into Disney/ABC/A&E or will its contents be dumped to Hulu (which is majority owned by Disney now)?  Will National Geographic Partners become part of Disney Nature and/or be re-branded?  The only thing that seems safe and untouchable is ESPN Inc. and everything included with that.   I’m not going to even touch the music and media publishing accounts.  What Disney sees as competition they either acquire or they destroy or sometimes both.  The danger is that the more assets that Disney acquires the less diversified the product for the consumer to choose from.

It’s like a town that has no Mom & Pop stores but only a Super Walmart and a Super Target.  You have two chooses to choose from that give you the same exact products with no variety but at a cheap cost so everyone can afford them.  Great cost!  Low prices! Cheap products!  Maximum profits!

Now, still, there is nothing inherently wrong with this as that’s what the consumer sometimes wants and they don’t mind paying for the same thing each year as long as it’s dressed up in a new pretty color.  If this is all that you have in your town then that’s all you ever want but you have to acknowledge that that is not all you NEED.  You need a choice.  You need variety.  You need diversification.  What we don’t need is the appearance of something we need which is a hollow and insincere gesture, which is what the Disney Corporation provides.  What we need is a genuine offering that is honest and truthful.

Right now, people are claiming they want this through our politics, a transparent police department in every city, a genuine health care plan that actually works for the people, the end of racism, ageism, and sexism.  These are the things people need.  People don’t need Disney, which encompasses almost every facet of our daily lives in some form or fashion, to continue slamming the same trash time and time again down our throats through their business practices, their politics, and their treatment of their employees (because they aren’t transparent when it comes to their own internal systematic racism, sexism, ageism, etc.); they’re just better at covering it up like candy-colored, delicious confections.

Now none of this minimizes the fact that the Disney Corporation is the most successful film studio in the world (probably cruise line and theme parks as well, just to name a few) but this shouldn’t blind you to everything else that they do as well behind closed doors and hostile take-overs.

***

Now getting back to my original opening whereas I mentioned I didn’t grow up on Disney.  That’s not entirely true.  We had the Disney channel in our home because my parents (like most parents) thought they needed to have it because of the four children in our house hold.  My siblings and I could care less about watching Disney, so my parents stopped paying for it.  I actually got much of my animation culture from public television and HBO (back in the day when they acquired content to distribute).  I grew up on the more profound animated films of Animal Farm (1954), Charlotte’s Web (1973), The Camel Boy (1974), Dot & the Kangaroo (1977), The Lord of the Rings (1978), The Hobbit (1977), The Snowman (1982), and many, many more.  HBO had some of the most diversified animation available as they acquired stuff from all over the world and being a military brat I was also exposed to the Black & White Speed Racer and AstroBoy (which played on every public television everywhere on base) so that was my early exposure to Japanese anime.  I didn’t grow up with the musicality of Disney animation and therefore don’t believe I really missed out on anything.  I’ve seen maybe 85% of all the Disney/Pixar animated films and still believe this as I just think other countries were more diversified in their offerings then and especially now.

Now, I don’t expect anyone to go out there and stop watching Disney product or boycott their films (as I’m sure they are doing right now with the live action Mulan film - #BoycottMulan) but if I’ve informed just one person about Disney practices and or made one person understand my thoughts on the whole thing than it will have been worth it.

In fact, I’m looking forward to an X-Men Vs Avengers film and think that if Disney can find a way to do a sequel to Aliens that doesn’t involve the Ripley character and isn’t a remake/reboot then I’m there!  

Film Review: CONDEMNED (2015)

CONDEMNED (2015) is the story of Maya (Dylan Penn) who can no longer stand to be living under the safety of her parent’s roof, so she’s moves out to live with her boyfriend Dante (Ronen Rubinstein) in an abandoned and condemned apartment complex inhabited by seedy individuals and couples who cannot afford to stay in a real place.  When a deadly virus is let loose in the building turning everyone infected in to murderous and crazy lunatics who also hallucinate, Maya and Dante must fight there way through to get to an exit no matter what.

Written and directed by Eli Morgan Gesner this is a fast paced and gory film from beginning to end that takes its cues from David Cronenberg’s Shivers (1975).  Although the plot is pretty bare bones horror fans will love the extreme gore and gross-out body horror on display and there is even some really well-done action sequences and cinematography.  Although some performances are all over the place, this is acceptable in this film where most people get infected and everything pretty much goes bat-shit crazy.  Another film that this film references is [REC] (2007) and its remake Quarantine (2008) and fans of those films will enjoy this one.

2016 YEAR IN REVIEW - "BOOKS IN REVIEW"

BOOKS IN REVIEW

I’d like to first say that even though it’s now February, I’m still thinking about what a great year 2016 was and all the amazing films, live events, and books I read that helped make the year better than 2015.  At the beginning of 2016 I told myself I was going to read more books than in 2015 because as a writer I should be reading more fiction and non-fiction to be able to craft more well-rounded and compelling stories.  Although I didn’t fulfill my overall goal of the year, I did manage to read a good amount of non-fiction books which in my opinion is always a good thing.

Of the fiction books I read I managed to finish “The Meowmorphosis” from Franz Kafka and Coleridge Cook which is a mash-up take of the Kafka classic except the main character morphs into a giant cute kitten instead of a cockroach.  Being a huge fan of Kafka’s story I enjoyed the novelty of the book but to me giant cute kittens are just as terrifying as cockroaches.  I also managed to read my first Elmore Leonard novel with “Raylan”, which is a sequel to the show Justified (based on Leonard’s series of novels).  I loved this novel so much that I plan on going back to read more Leonard novels because he has a great style as an author.  I was completely disappointed with John Shirley’s novelization of “Resident Evil: Retribution.”  I’ve read all the books based on the films and this is the worst of the lot; it took me a while to get through the book because of the style of writing which wasn’t on par with any of the previous novelizations.  I’m hoping that the novelization of “The Final Chapter” is much better.

I will say that a majority of the non-fiction books I read this year were film related.  I started the year off with another book on director David Cronenberg (if you remember I read two in 2015); “Cronenberg on Cronenberg” which is edited by Chris Rodley was an excellent book on the insight of the infamous director of Scanners, The Brood, The Fly, Dead Ringers, and countless others and getting into his process of crafting these films was key to the books success.  Now this isn’t a new book but because the process of crafting these films isn’t going to change reading this book was instrumental into getting into his head.  I would love to read an updated version of the book where the director discusses his more current films.  Along these same lines is “Lucio Fulci: Poetry & Cruelty in the Movies” by Antonio Bruschini & Antonion Tentori.  Not the best book on the infamous director as it spends more time on synopsis of the films rather than on any meaningful discussion of the films themselves but it works for those with a cursory knowledge of the director and his films.  Not really for those of us who have read many of the other books dedicated to the director.  Another film related book that I managed to finish was actor Gunnar Hansen’s “Chainsaw Confidential: How We Made the World’s Most Notorious Horror Movie” which details the making of the original Texas Chain Saw Massacre for the perspective of the man that played Leatherface.  This was another great book as it really got into the heart of what it felt like to be on the set of this infamous film from beginning to end.  Hansen has a clear and concise way of presenting his story that is engaging and entertaining at the same time.  It is said to say that this was his final book before passing away in 2015.  Life Books also put out the excellent “Life: Science Fiction: 100 Years of Great Movies” which every film fan should make sure to pick up in order to put together their own list of “must see” films.

A couple random books that I finished reading this year include Inazo Nitobe’s “Code of the Samurai: Bushido: The Soul of Japan” which is more of a coffee table book about everything as it relates to Bushido and “30-Second Religion” edited by Russell Re Manning.  I’ve been reading several of the books in the “30-Second” series and they are a quick and informative reference guide to all sorts of useful and helpful subjects.  I’m currently reading one of Ancient Egypt and well tell you how it is next year.

Imagine Publishing updated it’s “100 All-Time Greatest Comics (Third Edition)” which for comic fans is a must read.  I learned a lot a great many comics that are now on my “must read” for 2017.  As you know I read a lot of graphic novels but even this list had tons of titles I wasn’t even familiar with.

On the supernatural side of things, I read “An American Haunting: The Bell Witch” edited by Brent Monahan and based on the true story of the Bell Witch incident (which was recently made into the film An American Haunting).  This was the entire story of the legend and even those who have watched the film will be able to know all the real details of what allegedly happened.

Ending my 2016 reading list will be several books in the Rue Morgue

Magazine Library series.  A couple years ago Rue Morgue started putting out books in there Library series on many different topics geared towards horror fans and fans of the magazine.  I managed to get through five of them last year – “Blood in Four Colors: A Graphic History of Horror Comics”, “Cryptic Collectibles: A Concise Compendium of Creepy Keepsakes”, “Horror Movie Heroes”, “Horrorwood North: The Extraordinary History & Art of Canadian Genre Cinema”, and “Weird Stats & Morbid Facts.”  I could go into detail about each of these books but suffice it to say that these are an excellent series of books from all different aspects of the horror genre.  All of them are well written and put together and informative.  These are some great additions to any horror fans book shelf and since they each contain hundreds of photos they are great to look at as well.

Now that I look forward to 2017, I still need to get off my ass and read more fiction books and read more variety of non-fiction books (because I read too many books on film) but that’s something I’ll have to work on.  I’ll let you know next year how it goes.

RANTS & RAVINGS ABOUT HORROR - “The Films of Don Coscarelli – Creator of PHANTASM!”

There are many horror directors who have made a mark in the genre with a vast legacy of films like Wes Craven and John Carpenter and David Cronenberg.  Unlike those influential and profound directors, the there is a name that is just as profound but maybe a little less known which is that of writer/director Don Coscarelli.  Most audiences know him for either Phantasm (1979) or for his more recent cult favorite Bubba Ho-Tep (2002) but he is a director whose small catalog of films have been diverse in genre and subject matter.  

1976 saw the release of two of Coscarelli’s first features.  One, Jim, The World’s Greatest I still have yet to see.  It hasn’t been given a full DVD or Blu-ray release yet.  The most important thing to know is that Reggie Bannister and Angus Scrimm starred in this film and these would be two actors that Coscarelli would call upon time and time again.  The second was Kenny & Company, which is readily available and stars a young A. Michael Baldwin, who would later make up the triumvirate of stars to make the Phantasm franchise one of the most popular in horror history.  Kenny & Company is the story of two twelve year old’s days of enjoying life and growing up while learning some of life’s many lessons.  It’s a very well done coming of age story that shows Coscarelli’s strengths with a very young cast.

Three years later Coscarelli would unleash upon the world a nightmarish vision of a young boy whose world is turned upside down when death comes calling in the guise of boogeyman simply call The Tall Man. Phantasm was unlike anything audiences had seen before.  A nightmare that neither the characters nor audiences could wake up from.  The Tall Man, as played by Angus Scrimm, was a figure unlike Michael Myers or Jason Voorhees.  The Tall Man was inhuman and from possibly a different dimension and worst part about him is that he was unstoppable and unkillable no matter what you did to him.  Phantasm would catapult Coscarelli and take him into another world with his next film – The Beastmaster (1982).

The Beastmaster is not your typical follow-up to a successful indie horror film as it is an epic fantasy with a main character that can communicate with animals.  Having dealt with children in his previous two films Coscarelli decided to take on the next biggest hassle with film-makers which are animals and there are plenty of them in this film.  Television actor Marc Singer was tapped to star as Dar, the Beastmaster, which he would resume for two sequels and the television series (albeit a different character) which would be one of his most iconic characters next to that of his character in the television series “V” (the original mini-series and its sequel “The Final Battle” and the ongoing series).  Coscarelli got to work with an accomplished group of actors with Tanya Roberts, Rip Torn, and John Amos.  Although Coscarelli did not have a say in how this franchise would ultimately develop after he departed, he wouldn’t allow that to happen to his first major success therefore when given a major studio and budget provided by Universal he stepped back into the nightmare world of The Tall Man with Phantasm II (1988).

Phantasm II was a new nightmare as young Mike has now grown up and been obsessed with finding and destroying The Tall Man.  This time around Mike is played by the “studio approved” actor James Le Gros instead of A. Michael Baldwin who originated the role.  A different actor may have taken over for Mike but all the rest of the original cast (that are still alive) returns with a bunch of new faces to be terrorized.  This film was just as dark as the original but contains better make-up effects and more action.  This was less a moody horror film like the original but that didn’t diminish the film’s impact on audiences.  A franchise was born and The Tall Man would continue to haunt audiences’ nightmares for more films to come.

Coscarelli’s next film would be a film about survival and a more realistic nightmare in Survival Quest (1988).  Lance Henriksen leads a group of city slickers into the mountain wilderness at the same time as a military group with opposing ideals.  When one of the military group is killed they blame it on Henriksen’s group who is then forced to get his group to safety before they get killed one by one.  This is an adventure film of man against man and man against nature.  A very good film that shows that Coscarelli can navigate an adventure film alongside a horror film.  This is a film that was generally ignored by everyone despite some fine direction and performances.  It would also be Coscarelli’s final non-horror film as he would then focus only on horror films which generated his biggest successes.

After the dismal returns of both Survival Quest and Phantasm II (whose cult audience would continue to grow), Coscarelli would have trouble getting his next few films off the ground.  Fortunately, Phantasm would be the one property he could get money for albeit at a reduced budget.  Phantasm III: Lord of the Dead (1994) would ultimately go straight to video but that would be a good thing as Coscarelli would have complete control of the franchise.  A. Michael Baldwin would return as Mike as well as Bill Thornbury as Jody, Mike’s older brother (who was absent in the previous film).  This film would bring back the entire original family from the first film and would be what fans were waiting for.  The Phantasm franchise has never been one easily understood as it asks more questions than it answers and that would not change with this film.  One added element to the franchise would be more humor.  Bannister’s character of Reggie usually carried most of the comedy in the previous films but it is spread across several supporting characters in this film as if Coscarelli was designing this film to be more fun and less horrifying (I mean by film three I doubt The Tall Man is as scary as he used to be).  There are new creatures in the film and Coscarelli reveals more of the world as the audience learns about everything as the characters do.  This film would do excellent business on video which would make getting the next film in the franchise off the ground a bit easier.

Phantasm IV: Oblivion (1998) would see life straight to video four years after the previous film.  Although armed with an even smaller budget than the last film Coscarelli came up with a brilliant idea for the film which was to utilize unused footage from the original film.  He would splice this with a story that would reveal the true nature of The Tall Man in order for Mike to finally find a way to destroy him.  This film is not as exciting and action packed as previous films in the franchise but it does try hard to answer the big questions that audiences have had since the first film was released and it continues to world build.  Unfortunately, for fans at least, the film ends with even more questions than answers as if it was just a prelude to something bigger which is what Coscarelli always intended.  Oblivion was intended to be a bridge for an even larger film to end the franchise but as of yet that film hasn’t materialized (more on this later).

It would be another four years before Coscarelli next film which would be as far away from the Phantasm franchise as he could get with the mummy horror-comedy Bubba Ho-Tep, which would see an aging Elvis and “JFK” (Bruce Campbell and Ossie Davis, respectfully) in a retirement home battling a mummy.  Based on a story by Joe R. Lansdale, Coscarelli would craft the second biggest film of his career.  In many circles this is considered his best film (especially by younger audiences).  This film just had the perfect cast (with Bannister appearing in a small role), script, make-up effects and monster and had the perfect balance of comedy and horror.  This is still one of my favorites of Coscarelli’s films as I’m sure it is too many.

It would take ten years before Coscarelli’s next feature film saw release in the form of another adaptation of another writer’s work.  In 2012, John Dies at the End would greet audiences with a different type of Coscarelli film.  Based on the book by James Wong, this film is a horror and sci-fi fantasy with all types of monsters, drugs, and different worlds thrown in.  It’s hard to describe the film without giving too much away and it’s a film to experience, just trust me.  It’s both funny and a grand adventure into the strange and weird and it is never predictable.

Coscarelli takes his time in between projects but that doesn’t mean he’s lying low.  In 2005 he directed another Joe R. Lansdale story “Incident on and Off a Mountain Road” for the television series Masters of Horror and most recently he wrote and produced what will be the final chapter in the Phantasm franchise – Phantasm: Ravager which is directed by David Hartman and should be released later this year.  He may best be known for the Phantasm franchise but his style and technique as a film-maker is the reason why so many people consider him a Master of Horror.

"Rants & Ravings About Horror" - Week 18: “What Type of Monster Are You?”

Week 18: “What Type of Monster Are You?”

Last week I wrote about werewolf films which got me thinking about monsters and why we love them so much.  I don’t know about you but I love monster films.  Although my least favorite is the vampire, I enjoy watching a good vampire film and in fact, last year’s Only Lover’s Left Alive (2013) was at the top of my list for one of the best horror films of the year.  I absolutely love the Godzilla films (neither American version holds a candle to the Japanese films) and I’m a huge fan of Frankenstein’s monster.  I usually gravitate towards the misunderstood monster of which Frankenstein’s monster is top of the list followed by (of course) King Kong.  I also love zombie films but a zombie is at the bottom of the list of what monster I would want to be unless it was King Zombie from the Deadworld comics.  Being a zombie would be the least fun of all the monsters.

I want to take this week’s rant and go through some of my favorite monster s and why I would or wouldn’t want to be them.  As much as I would love to join the ranks of Frankenstein’s monster, I would hate always being chased by angry villagers and never having a Bride of my own (who would probably misunderstand me as well as everyone else).

Being immortal would be interesting but it could also be as boring an existence as Adam (Tom Hiddleston) in Only Lover’s Left Alive.  I would like to have an existence closer to the suave Jerry Dandridge from Fright Night (1985) rather than the blood thirty savages of 30 Days of Night (2007) or the forever teenage twinklers of the Twilight Saga.  I’d also hate to be a shut in like that of Count Orlock in Nosferatu (1922) but I think I would enjoy life on the road like the vampires in Near Dark (1987) and if I was stuck as a teen forever I guess I could handle being part of the gang of The Lost Boys (1987).  I would hate to be a relative of Dracula as him and his kin has too many enemies and a family feud with Van Helsing and his clan.  There are just as many good things about being a vampire as there is bad.

Being a zombie is pretty much out if you ask me.  There aren’t any cool zombies other than King Zombie and even the zombies in Warm Bodies (2013) wanted their humanity back.  No, life as a zombie is short lived especially in the world of The Walking Dead and I would hate to be someone’s pet like in Fido (2006) or Shaun of the Dead (2004).  I’m sure I’m more in the unlucky category and would slowly watch myself decay like in I, Zombie: The Chronicles of Pain (1998) or Contracted (2013) or Zombie Honeymoon (2004).  Being a zombie should be at the bottom of everyone’s list.

Being a giant monster also doesn’t leave you much room either.  Godzilla rarely had a moment’s peace even when he was exiled on Monster Island and King Kong couldn’t catch a break from anyone.  Being a giant mutated insect would seem cool at first but then the government would just come after you and annihilate you (and your family) like in Them! (1954) or Tarantula (1955) or Eight Legged Freaks (2002) but then again I’m sure I’d have lots of fun as a giant human like in Attack of the 50 Foot Woman (1958) or Honey, I Blew Up the Kid (1992), but then we’re getting further and further away from horror and more into sci-fi and fantasy.

I would love to be a werewolf!  Not the whole cursed kind like in The Wolf Man (1941) or Cursed (2005) or even An American Werewolf in London (1981) but more in line with the those wolves with control over their transformations like in The Howling (1981) or the werewolves of Underworld (2003) and Dog Soldiers (2002).  I also wouldn’t mind the whole turning into a wolf kind of werewolf like in Wolf (1994) or Blood & Chocolate (2007) or Wolfen (1981); I think that would be cool as well.  There are just so many different ways in which being a wolf could be beneficial unless it comes at the time of puberty like in Teen Wolf (1985) or Ginger Snaps (2000) then I could see it being both a curse and a blessing.

The toxic or mutated monster isn’t something to joke around with.  Sure I think The Toxic Avenger (1984) is cool but then who would want to be a C.H.U.D. (1984)?  Would you want to be a toxic zombie/creature like in Nightmare City (1980) or a Septic Man (2013)?  How about something more akin to David Cronenberg’s The Fly (1986)?  Not really something to behold unless it’s in your genetic makeup like The Fly II (1989) or a science experiment mixed with nature like Swamp Thing (1982) but not to the extreme of Man-Thing (2005).  

This now brings us to the group of monsters which is just about everything else like those featured in Clive Barker’s Nightbreed (1990).  This is a menagerie of monsters of all types from all over the world who have gathered together as one big family.  You have immortals, shape-shifters, amalgamations of all types and even a few dead monsters and God-like deities mixed in and Berserkers.  Midian is where the monsters live whether it is within a hidden labyrinth under a graveyard or somewhere else.  This is a place where all monsters are equal and safe.

Now, this is a small sampling of the many monsters that inhabit our world of dreams and nightmares and I see all monsters great or small as equal (even King Kong and Godzilla).  After examining all the choices I would still stick with being a werewolf (or any were-creature for that matter).  Transforming into an animal, which represents our primal self, allows us to be closer to nature and be one with our true selves and having that ability is ultimately what we strive for in our daily lives.  The werewolf just gives us a more natural way of expressing it (as does I guess being a Swamp Thing).  Being a vampire may be more glamorous but who wants to live forever?

What type of monster are you?

"Rants & Ravings About Horror - Week 10: “Watching Bad Horror Films”

Week 10: “Watching Bad Horror Films”

If you’re like me then you’re a horror fan who has seen your fair share of bad horror films.  Now, I’m not talking about bad horror films that entertain you and you watch because they’re “so bad they’re good” (i.e. Plan 9 From Outer Space).  And I’m not talking about films you thought were going to be good because the trailer was good but turned out bad (i.e. The Pyramid).  No, I’m talking about watching the trailer for a film or reading about a film and knowing beforehand that it was always going to be bad no matter what.  I’m talking about a film like C.H.U.D. 2: Bud the Chud (1989) or The Lawnmower Man 2: Job’s War (1996) or House of the Dead 2 (2005) or The Return of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1994) (yes, I use the original theatrical release title because that’s how I originally saw the film).  These are films with trailers so bad and a synopsis so bad that they shouldn’t have even been made much less watched.  But they are were and some even have a small cult following.

Having reviewed many horror films over the years I’ve watched more bad films than good ones at this point and many of them I’ve never seen a trailer so I’ve had to rely on poster images and synopsis to go by.  Films with titles like Airplane Vs. Volcano (2014) and Blood Valley: Seed’s Revenge (2014) and The Bell Witch Haunting (2013) and Paranormal Asylum (2013) and Don’t Go in the Woods (2010) and 13/13/13 (2013) you know going in that they’re going to be pretty bad and if not bad then completely ludicrous.  I mean, you can’t really (honestly) have high hopes for a film called Sharknado (2013), but we watch these films anyways regardless of how bad we know they’re going to be.

I enjoy bad horror films.  I actually enjoyed some parts of Airplane Vs. Volcano and I chuckle at Sharknado.  I’ve probably even seen Plan 9 From Outer Space more times than I should have but it’s a great movie to just have playing in the background when you just want to chill out, drink a beer, and relax.  I don’t think I can relax at home drinking a beer and watching Martyrs (2008).  It just isn’t happening.  Have you ever tried a night with your significant other and asking him/her to sit down and watch Hostel (2005)?  I’m sure it never goes over well, but if you said let’s watch Sharknado 2: The Second One (2014), they probably replied with they’ll get the popcorn and candy. 

When you want to watch to good comedy horror you pull out Shaun of the Dead (2004) not Day of the Dead 2: Contagium (2005) (which is funny for all the wrong reasons) but if you want stupid comedy you always pull out Army of Darkness (1992), which has many drinking games associated with it.  Why do some people love the horrendous Jason X (2001), when there is a Jason Takes Manhattan (1989) and a Jason Goes to Hell (1993) right before it?  Does anyone even remember Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare (1991) over A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy’s Revenge (1985)?  Both are considered the worst of the series but we’ve all probably seen them more times than we’d like to admit.  How about any one of the Hellraiser sequels after Part 3 or the Jaws sequels after the first one?  We’ve all seen them and we all consider them bad despite having seen them more than several times. 

Sometimes bad films have good moments which is why we watch them and continue to go back to them from time to time to not only remind us how bad they were but how awesome that one moment in each of them can out shine all the other bad parts contained within.  I don’t know about you but I liked Super Freddy in Freddy’s Dead and Jason knocking a man’s head off with one punch in Jason Takes Manhattan was worth a film that’s all on a boat in a water way that’s somehow connected to New York City.  Sharknado 2 is well worth watching Tara Reid get her hand bitten off and replaced by a buzz saw as is watching Ian Ziering getting swallowed by a shark and surviving.  Jason beating some female campers trapped in a sleeping bag against a tree and not dying (you have to see it to believe it) is one of the funniest moments in the film as is watching director David Cronenberg die in the opening of Jason X.  Watching Gerrit Graham in C.H.U.D. 2 is like watching him reprise his Beef character from Phantom of the Paradise (1974), only dead.  And in terms of the Jaws sequels – I just like watching people get eaten by a great white shark and not realize that they should’ve closed the beach before it was too late plus Michael Cain does ham it up pretty good in Jaws: The Revenge (1987)

There is no denying that all these films are bad films.  They’re even worse horror films as they don’t even try to horrify, terrorize, or even bother with a coherent story (most of the time) and are mainly played for laughs anyways.  Most of the time they know they’re bad and are in on the joke (i.e. Jason X and Sharknado).

The real travesty is those horror films trying to be good but fall flat on their ass.  For one reason or another they just don’t click with an audience and, unfortunately, are easily forgotten.  Child’s Play 3 (1991) and Friday the 13^th Part V: A New Beginning (1985) and Hellraiser: Bloodline (1996) and The Thing (2011) and Pulse (2006) and One Missed Call (2008) and They (2002) and Carnival of Souls (1998) and The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari (1962) and An American Werewolf in Paris (1997) and Prom Night (2008) and way to many more to mention but you get the picture.

Now personally I enjoyed some of these films that I just mentioned but for the most part the majority of horror fans (and audiences in general) has either ignored these films or forgot they even existed.  There is nothing bad about watching bad horror movies or even liking them.  I for one need the bad films for all my drinking parties because watching a good horror film is just not the same and if I want to enjoy a horror film with my girl it most certainly won’t be The Descent (2005) because she hates horror films but will more likely be Army of Darkness (because she loves Bruce Campbell but then again who doesn’t) or the latest Sharknado (which is how I originally watched the first two).

Don’t be afraid of bad horror films.  Embrace them just like the Syfy Channel does!