Zombies are the middle children of the otherworldly family. Vampires are the oldest brother who gets to have a room in the attic, all tripped out with a disco ball and shag carpet. Werewolves are the youngest, the babies, always getting pinched and told they're cute. With all that attention stolen away from the middle child zombie, no wonder she shuffles off grumbling, "Marsha, Marsha, Marsha."

- Kevin James Breaux

Saturday, September 21, 2013


I don’t like to bash any movie…at least not too much but Assault of the Sasquatch (2009) is one of the worst films I’ve ever seen.  Not only is the screenplay by John Doolan horrible, but the acting is beyond amateur and the directing is all over the place in this film that doesn’t know if it wants to be funny or be an action film but you can never take anything in the film seriously and the film has some of the worst monster make up effects that I’ve seen in some time as if the film was made by a first time film maker.  In fact, director Andrew Gernhard is a first timer and it shows in this film.
A poacher accidentally captures a Sasquatch and holds it captive in his trailer but not before it kills the rest of his team members.  The poacher is then captured by the police who impound the trailer and take him in.  Unsuspecting of what is in the trailer the police take it into the city where the Sasquatch escapes and wreaks havoc on the city streets.  The police become stranded in the police station as the Sasquatch picks them off one by one. 
What makes this one of the worst films out there is the fact that the Sasquatch abandons the police station for much of the first part of the film to explore the city before heading back to the police station for no reason to continue to hound the people left alive.  Supposedly the Sasquatch is also known to be overly intelligent which is how it has survived for so long and that it hides the body of the people it kills so that others are not aware of its existence.  While the Sasquatch is so smart (?) everyone else in the film is too dumb.  These must be the worst cops ever because as the streets are being terrorized by the Sasquatch they all hide away in the police station completely aware of the danger.  Also, the so-called Sasquatch experts, who are shooting a video of the Sasquatch siting, are so annoying that after the first time they are on screen I wanted them to become Sasquatch food yet they continue to annoy through most of the rest of the film.  Characters do dumb things because they have nothing else to do and the backstory to the tortured main cop is so unbelievable cliché rendering everything he does in the film as overly comical.
A lot of people do die and there is some gore in the film but there is no getting passed “amateur hour” with this film which no one will enjoy except the people in the film (and maybe not them either).

No comments:

Post a Comment