Zombies are the middle children of the otherworldly family. Vampires are the oldest brother who gets to have a room in the attic, all tripped out with a disco ball and shag carpet. Werewolves are the youngest, the babies, always getting pinched and told they're cute. With all that attention stolen away from the middle child zombie, no wonder she shuffles off grumbling, "Marsha, Marsha, Marsha."

- Kevin James Breaux

Sunday, April 14, 2013

Movie Review: SPIDERS (2013)

Spiders (2013) is one of those films where the trailer advertises it in 3D and its gets you excited because giant spiders coming out of the screen is the perfect way to spend an evening.  Too bad all the excitement was left in the trailer as this is a subpar horror film mainly because the film makers forgot that any film about a giant spider should first be fun and entertaining.  
When a Russian lab in space comes crashing down to the city a deadly breed of spider that has been genetically altered takes up residence in the city sewers and subway system.  The spider starts to breed uncontrollably feeding at first on the street people before moving onto bigger prey.  Only an estranged husband (played by Patrick Muldoon) stands in the way of a military cover-up that will see the birth of a super-spider which will advance military weapons division by decades (by producing virtually indestructible webbing).  Sounds like B-movie giant spider goodness to me except the film makers decide to play the material too serious by making Muldoon’s character trying to save his wife (Christa Campbell) and teenage daughter before the giant spiders completely over take the city.  

What’s missing from the film is any sense of fun – it’s a giant spider movie!  The breed of spider crafted for the film is actually interesting but like the remake of Piranha (2010), which was a fun movie, there has to be more than just a cool creature to carry the film.  There was lots of entertainment and fun to be had in the Piranha film but here the whole film is uninspired and cliché with very little thought put into crafting interesting scenes.  This is surprising considering that the director Tibor Takacs was the man behind the better than expected The Gate (1987) and I, Madman (1989) which were both fun and entertaining.  Even Takacs subpar sequel The Gate II (1990) was more fun than this dud.

Another annoyance is that the film is filled with dumb characters that do dumb things which if it happens once it’s fine but if it continuously happens throughout it’s just the film makers being lazy and not dotting the “I”s and crossing the “T”s.  A case in point is the fact that the main characters are constantly passing by guns and weapons left behind by dead soldiers (killed by the spiders) but never picking any of them up to defend themselves from the spiders.  The main character also continuously enters into the subway where he knows the spiders are breeding with complete disregard and let’s not forget that by the end of the film the city should be ravaged by giant spiders but once the big bad mama spider is defeated the rest of them just disappear as if it was all just a nightmare.  Where did all the other spiders go?  These may seem like small details to some but it’s these small details that become more annoying as the film drags along (and it does drag).  The CGI is laughable at times, which means that the 3D version probably wouldn’t have been that good and to make matters worse is the fact that none of the actors seem like they’re having fun in the film.  The film is about GIANT SPIDERS!  How can you not see the fun in that?  Eight Legged Freaks (2002) and Tarantula (1955) and even Arachnid (2001) were more fun that this film and if you want normal sized spiders then there’s always Kingdom of the Spiders (1977) and Arachnophobia (1990).

This is a film to bypass and just wait for the more fun and entertaining (at least title wise) Big Ass Spider (2013) which will see release later this year.

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